A bit off, not quite right

 

 This water bottle is the perfect example of how I feel today. I feel just a bit off, not quite right. Today is the last day my oldest child will be home with me. Tomorrow starts our new journey. She starts kindergarten and I become a mom to a student. This might not seem like that big of a deal. Hell it didn't feel that big to me either at first. Yet now it's all too real. I woke up this morning hoping today could last forever. Lord make today drag by. Please make the day seem to last another 5 years. It only seems fair sence the last 5 years only seemed to last one day. 

 My mind is all over the place. I can't seem to focus on anything. I'm obsessing over every detail. Every thing must be perfect. Details from her hair to her lunch. All my insecurities are pouring out. All the horrible days in school are flooding back. Not only is there potential for her to be judged but also for me. 

 I've fought back tears all day. My house is spotless from the obsessive cleaning. All I want to do is spend our last day together but my mind won't let me. If I focus on her I might lose it. I've spent everyday with her for years. I'm not me without them. 

 Today I envy the parents who work. They don't depend on their children as much as their children depend on them. Their hearts broke years ago and are able to be happy for their children. Mine is breaking as I speak. My world is crashing. My baby isn't a baby. I want so bad to be happy and excited for her. Hopefully soon, but for now I'm just a bite off, not quite right. 

No longer in control

Friday at 8 A.M. Friday at 8 A.M. Friday at 8 A.M.

 I way dancing around the living room with all three of my little girls. My phone rang. It startled us, as it was plugged into my stereo streaming music. I knew this call was coming. I knew it would be today. I look at the caller ID and my heart dropped into my stomach. Kylie's kindergarten teacher was calling to tell us what day she would start school. 

I was handling her starting school well I thought. Besides the fact that I had to drink a bottle of wine before school shopping for her. Yes I drank a bottle of wine to myself. No I was not drunk when I drove to the store. I was excited for her to start school. She is overjoyed to start school. I've made jokes about parents being proud of their children for starting kindergarten. Why are we so proud? The only reason I could come up with is the fact our children survived us for 5 years. We didn't eat them when they were beyond adorable and we didn't kill them on their ridiculous days. They have survived our cooking and our mood swings. I'm not sure if that merits pride or not, but dang I'm proud of us both. 

 

I've watched every one posting pictures of their children on the first day of school. Kylie's school is starting their kindergarteners later than most. It makes her going to school feel like a dream. This awful dream that my baby is old enough to start going to school. I kissed my little rosy cheeked, curly haired 2 year old good night. Just to wake up to her being this matured 5 year old with a mind of her own and the sassiness to speak it. I watched all these parents post pictures. I was ready, I was excited, I was taking this well. I was, until that phone rang. 

 

When that phone rang it hit me like a ton of bricks. That wasn't an awful dream. My baby girl is old enough to start school. I can't protect her from everything like I could before. She will be spending the majority of her time awake with other people. I'm no longer the biggest influence on her life. I'm having to trust that I've raised her right. I'm having to trust that her teacher will continue what I've started. I'm having to trust that all of the other parents have tried as hard as I have. 

I'm not taking this well! I'm not handling this the way I should. I'm terrified! Kylie is such a free spirt with a zest for life. She is strong willed and whimsical. She loves deeply and is tender hearted. She is a target for others to tear down. I have to have faith that I've raised her to love who she is and not change for the approval of others. I have to have faith that others will find her enthusiasm for life as a magical as I do. I have to have faith. 

Friday at 8 A.M. My world will change. Friday at 8 A.M. I'll have to let go of the control. Friday at 8 A.M. Kylie will start kindergarten.  

Timing is key, make sure you pay attention to the signs

One day I would love to be a foster parent. How cool would it be to make a difference in a child's life that really needs it? How cool would it be to used by God in such a big way? How cool would it be to not only reach children who need it, but to reach their families who need it just as much? How cool would it be to show these families what God's love is like? How cool would it be to be actively sharing the grace of God? 

I've thought about it for so long. This is real, it's really happening. This is our life now. It went from an idea to our reality. I thought about it forever and talked about as "one day". Well that "one day" is here. We are officially foster parents. 

After going through all the training, paperwork, and inspections, we had our first call. The company we work through is for not only foster care but adoption too. When the phone rang my heart dropped. This is it! Are we ready? Can we do this? What makes us think we are what these kids need? What do we have to offer? So much was running through my head. One answer came to my mind, God! I have my God. I have my faith. I have love.

We started this journey at the beginning of October. It's now February and we have our first call. This call was for an adoption only. My heart hurt. As much as I wanted to say yes, I could not. I know we are meant to foster for right now. Adopting isn't off the table but our journey has just begun. Adopting would slam the door shut and end what we just started. I had to say no. We had two more calls after that and they both didn't fit what we were capable of doing. It wasn't our time yet. 

Man does God have good timing. My mother had been stay with us for a month waiting for her house to be finished so she could move in. Only a few days after she moved out we got OUR call. This was meant for us. Not the age we initially had in mind or was willing to take. I had a overwhelming feeling, I couldn't say no. Somehow I just knew this was our time. 

Life is different now. This is just the beginning and it's going to be a great adventure. Loving these kids is my purpose. I'm so glad we took a step in faith and opened our home. Timing is key, make sure you pay attention to the signs.

But did you die?

But did you die? I'm going to ask it again. But did you die? 

Sometimes you have to ask yourself the hard and harsh questions. Don't be blinded by your pain and miss the blessing you are being given. We have all heard the sayings, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" and "a blessing in disguise" 

It was close to Easter and my stepfather was on the phone with his ex-wife talking about my step brother. I was only around 7 years old and I was so excited that I might get to see my step brother. So I sat by the door eagerly waiting to hear anything that meant he was coming to visit. All I over heard was their plans this year to be the Easter bunny. Me as a 7 year old was crushed. What do you mean there is no Easter bunny? Little did I know that I was about to learn a hard lesson on ease dropping and keeping my mouth shut.

He found out that I was listening to his conversation and was furious. After being screamed at I was sent to my room. I have no idea how long I waited in my room, it felt like hours. I remember walking back in forth terrified what was to come next. I remember having to use the bathroom but being terrified to leave my room. I knew if I didn't hold it I would be in even more trouble. I was scared I was going to pee myself, but there was no way I was going to go to the bathroom and no way I was leaving that room. I was is tears from the pain and from the fear. I didn't understand why it was in so much trouble. 

The door flew open and he stormed in. Yelling so loud and hard that his face was red turning purple. His words made no sense. He was so close to my face, his breath was so hot and I was being showered with spit. He shouted, "WHY?" When I didn't answer he picked up my bed with me sitting on it and slammed it down. He shouted one more time, "WHY?"  I remember being paralyzed with fear. Some how I mustered the strength to say, " I just miss him"  Rage came over him, it was so intense that my vision went white. That was not the answer he wanted and I was better off silent. He grabbed me by the throat with one hand and held me up in the air against the wall. I just hung there, my legs and feet searching gently for solid ground. Then he let go. I fell down the wall onto my bed. He walked to the door, turned around and calmly said, " stay in here. You better not come out."  Then shut the door. I calpsed on the floor and peed all over myself. I couldn't believe I held it as long as I did. I began to panic. I had to clean myself and the floor up. I remember thinking, what would he have done if I would have peed myself while he was in there? I remember being so thankful. 

As an adult now, looking back on this, I'm beyond grateful to God. The mercy I was shown and the wisdom I was given is incredible. God gave me, as a 7 year old, the knowledge and strength to get through that. I knew not to scream and cry. I knew not to say, " I'm telling mom" I knew to stay silent and let the storm pass. God gave me the self control to hold my bladder, a 7 year old made it through all of that and still held on. God never left my side. He stayed there with me and protected me, knowing one day he could use my experience to reach someone no one else could. Little did I know that I was being given such an amazing gift. 

God trusted me and help me through it all. He trusted that I could overcome and prosper. Not many people can say that they know God's plan for you. I know God has been planning something big for me since day one. It has been a hard road to get where I am now. So many other stories I could tell you. So many more times I was show love and mercy from God. I wouldn't change my past if I could. God gives us all free will. My stepfather choose to abuse that free will. My lord showed me mercy and unfailing love. He protected me and I'm alive today. Not sure where God's plan will take me, but he's got me this far. I'm going to keep trusting him and thanking him. 

Did you die? No! I was blessed

Parenting through guilt

Everyone always talked to me about the joys of parenthood. They told me about the love I would feel, about how amazing it was to be a parent. They talked about how your life will never be the same, forever changed. How it's the best thing that will ever happened to you. "Soak up every second, it goes by way too fast!" 
But dang, What about all the other emotions? I can't be the only that feels this way. I love my girls so much that I cry thinking about it, but I can't stand them at times. This is when the guilt comes into play. 

Shortly after finding out I was expecting my first child Kylie, the guilt kicked in. I was supposed to be enjoying every second of my pregnancy. I was supposed to be excited, I was growing a little miracle. I was supposed to love being pregnant. It's an incredible experience, I was told. Now, don't get me wrong, I loved being pregnant but I also hated being pregnant. I was tired, I was exhausted. I felt emotional. I was irritable all the time. On top of all that, I was getting fat. 

After I had her I got worse. I was sleep deprived, I was frustrated, I hated my new body, I no longer had personal space. How can I love this little girl so much, yet feel all these negative emotions? How can I look at her sweet little face and be so angry? "I fed you, I have burped you, I changed your diaper, and have been walking around for an hour now trying to calm you down! You had your bath and I brushed your hair and rub you down with lotion. I did everything I was supposed to do. What is wrong with you?"  

Bam…… guilt!!! She's a baby Liz! She doesn't know either and if she did she couldn't tell you. So why are you so angry with her? This is what you wanted. You prayed for this! All You ever wanted to be was a mother. Why aren't you enjoying every second of it? Why aren't you cherishing every moment like they told you to? 

The toddler stage, oh joy, the toddler stage. If you're a guilt ridden parent like me, the toddler stage eats you alive. So much frustration, so much joy, so much anger, so much just so much. This stage comes with a whole new feeling of guilt. I feel guilty that 90% of the time talking to my kids is telling them don't do this, or stop doing that. Don't touch this! No No, NO NO NO! Am I ruining my kids childhood? Why can I just let them be kids? Why do I let myself get so angry when they don't listen? Was it really that big of a deal that I really need to take that away from her?

Guilt! I feel guilty all the time. I felt guilty when I had to go back to work. I felt guilty when I wanted to go out with somebody without my kids. I felt guilty when they cried. I felt guilty when I said no. I felt guilty when I got angry at them. I felt guilty for any emotion that's not a happy emotion. 

This is not healthy! It's not healthy for me to try to bottle up everything, it's not healthy for me to be happy constantly. I am human, I do have hormones and other emotions. Things will make me upset. I shouldn't feel guilty for that. Once I realized that, parenthood got so much easier for me. I try to find the humor in every day annoyances. I try to find the humor in every little backtalk I get. It gets me through the day and I don't feel guilty every time I get upset. I know now that parenthood is filled with joy and guilt. But that's ok, and I'm working on that guilt part. I have to learn to take it easy on myself. There's no way I'm going to enjoy life feeling guilty all the time. I need to except that I'm not perfect. I need to stop parenting through guilt. 

Dateless on Valentine's Day and my heart couldn't be happier

  I've been dateless on Valentine's Day for a few years now. I got shopping for just the right outfit. I look for the perfect pair of shoes to go with it. I spend hours preparing and fixing the perfect hairstyle. Then I spend the night at home with our youngest daughter. This is not as depressing as it sounds. I'm not upset at all, I could not be happier about this. 

   

  I love my husband and I know he loves me. Now do I like when he does romantic gestures to show his love? Well of course! I always smile when I read the sweet card he picks out for me, along with the little note he writes inside. It's always a funny card, "I'm not saying this to get lucky, but because I'm lucky" and the note is always sincere. 

  

  What I love even more is watching him date our daughters. I know what love feels like. I know what it feels like to be special to someone. I've been blessed with a good man, who is a good father. I know that I will be loved by him forever and I have no doubts. I have my happily ever after, I want my girls to be taught that. I want them to know that they are so special to their daddy. I want them to know that their daddy loves them so much. I want them to get a little taste of the fairytale world they love so much to watch. 

  I hope that dating their daddy teaches them what love and respect looks and feels like. I pray that this will teach them that they deserve a good man like their daddy. I pray that this will help them set a standard. Confidence isnt always hard to get, but it is hard to keep. Anything we can do to help reinforce confidence is worth it. To be able to do that in such a loving way, that is truly amazing. 

  The smiles on their little faces are the best valentines gifts I could ever ask for. I know I have a great man and he proves it to me with our girls every day. So last year, this year, and from now on I have been and plan on being dateless. I pray one day that my daughters are dateless on Valentine's Day.