Everyone always talked to me about the joys of parenthood. They told me about the love I would feel, about how amazing it was to be a parent. They talked about how your life will never be the same, forever changed. How it's the best thing that will ever happened to you. "Soak up every second, it goes by way too fast!"
But dang, What about all the other emotions? I can't be the only that feels this way. I love my girls so much that I cry thinking about it, but I can't stand them at times. This is when the guilt comes into play.
Shortly after finding out I was expecting my first child Kylie, the guilt kicked in. I was supposed to be enjoying every second of my pregnancy. I was supposed to be excited, I was growing a little miracle. I was supposed to love being pregnant. It's an incredible experience, I was told. Now, don't get me wrong, I loved being pregnant but I also hated being pregnant. I was tired, I was exhausted. I felt emotional. I was irritable all the time. On top of all that, I was getting fat.
After I had her I got worse. I was sleep deprived, I was frustrated, I hated my new body, I no longer had personal space. How can I love this little girl so much, yet feel all these negative emotions? How can I look at her sweet little face and be so angry? "I fed you, I have burped you, I changed your diaper, and have been walking around for an hour now trying to calm you down! You had your bath and I brushed your hair and rub you down with lotion. I did everything I was supposed to do. What is wrong with you?"
Bam…… guilt!!! She's a baby Liz! She doesn't know either and if she did she couldn't tell you. So why are you so angry with her? This is what you wanted. You prayed for this! All You ever wanted to be was a mother. Why aren't you enjoying every second of it? Why aren't you cherishing every moment like they told you to?
The toddler stage, oh joy, the toddler stage. If you're a guilt ridden parent like me, the toddler stage eats you alive. So much frustration, so much joy, so much anger, so much just so much. This stage comes with a whole new feeling of guilt. I feel guilty that 90% of the time talking to my kids is telling them don't do this, or stop doing that. Don't touch this! No No, NO NO NO! Am I ruining my kids childhood? Why can I just let them be kids? Why do I let myself get so angry when they don't listen? Was it really that big of a deal that I really need to take that away from her?
Guilt! I feel guilty all the time. I felt guilty when I had to go back to work. I felt guilty when I wanted to go out with somebody without my kids. I felt guilty when they cried. I felt guilty when I said no. I felt guilty when I got angry at them. I felt guilty for any emotion that's not a happy emotion.
This is not healthy! It's not healthy for me to try to bottle up everything, it's not healthy for me to be happy constantly. I am human, I do have hormones and other emotions. Things will make me upset. I shouldn't feel guilty for that. Once I realized that, parenthood got so much easier for me. I try to find the humor in every day annoyances. I try to find the humor in every little backtalk I get. It gets me through the day and I don't feel guilty every time I get upset. I know now that parenthood is filled with joy and guilt. But that's ok, and I'm working on that guilt part. I have to learn to take it easy on myself. There's no way I'm going to enjoy life feeling guilty all the time. I need to except that I'm not perfect. I need to stop parenting through guilt.
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