Pursuing our calling

So life around the Tucker house is anything but calm. We decided to follow our hearts and become foster parents. This is a dream of mine but I wasn't sure if my husband would be on board or not. Keep in mind we have three little girls of our own. All who are not old enough for school yet. We have a full plate already. Life before this decision was busy. Becoming a foster parent no longer felt like a dream but a noticity. The thought came to me and wouldn't leave. I started feeling like a piece of my heart is missing. A peice of our family is missing, yet I didn't have baby fever, which is odd for me. I wasn't craving or longing for another baby. 

 

 A seed was planted in my heart and was growing. I started looking up foster care programs and making calls. With in a week I was set up with Monroe Harding. I got the call on my way to church on Wednesday night that we were going to start our training that next day. THE NEXT DAY! This dream was no longer a dream, it was real. This is really happening. I was so excited that I passed the gas station I was headed to and almost ran out of gas. Finally pulled up to a gas station and tried to put my card in the receipt printer. I imediately started to panic. This is a three week class that is three days a week. We start tomorrow! Who is going to watch my kids?! Is Jason going to be able to make it to these classes? The class is in Nashville. Can we afford all the extra gas? I started calling and texting. Everything fell into place. We had a babysitter for each day we needed. The schedule fit perfectly with Jason's schedule. The one Saturday we had a class was the one Saturday he had off this month. 

I went from a fairly clear schedule to a calendar that was marked everyday. We have class three days a week. Sunday's I serve at church in life kids, attend a service, and spend the rest of the day with family. Wednesday mornings we have story time at the library and that night I hang out with the awesome kids in life kids while their parents serve in switch (youth). If you have forgotten it's October. October means pumpkin patches, Apple orchids, fall festivals, and Halloween fun. I still have to make sure our girls get to enjoy the season. 

Amazingly I fit everything in. We finished all our classes. Jason and I are CPR certified now. All five of us had physicals and Jason and I have been TB tested. Happy to say we are TB free. We have been finger printed and had back ground checks. With all of this filled out endless paperwork and wrote biographies. I also somehow took the girls twice to the apple orchid, boo at the zoo, booville at Nashville shores, a pumpkin patch, princess make over, a meet and greet with princesses, and out trick or treating. Oh and on top of all of this I've had to get my house ready for our home study. The checklist is three pages long. THREE PAGES!!! Cleaning, organizing donations for "Hand me down love", rearranging rooms, yard work, and even tearing a couch into pieces to get it down stairs. 

To say I'm tired is an understatement. October has been one of the busiest months of my life. I've been going none stop, but I couldn't be happier. I have never felt so blessed. I feel like I've found God's purpose for my family. We have two more home visits this coming week. After that our case will be presented to DCS and they will let us know in within 90 days if we are approved. So hopefully at the beginning of 2016 we will have more children to love. We are beyond excited! 

Breast is best.....for you, not for all

                   "Breast is best" 

I can't tell you how much I can't stand that saying. I don't like using the word hate, but I hate that phrase. Breast is best FOR YOU. Breast isn't best for all. I breast feed, and have breastfed all my babies. I didn't get to breastfeed Kylie as long as I wanted to. If you would have come up to me and said breast is best, it would have broken my spirt. I had planned on breastfeeding my Kylie for at least a year. Well, like many I didn't get to do that. I had to go back to work and not long after returning to work I lost my supply. I didn't have time to pump at work and I didn't feel comfortable asking. I started supplementing while I was at work due to the fact I didn't get to pump. Once I realized that I no longer could feed her, I was crushed. My baby girl who needed me, no longer did. I could leave and never come back and she would be perfectly fine. That little baby who solely depended on me, didn't anymore. Every time I watched her eat a bottle it took a little bit of me with it. 

Now if said person would to have told me "breast is best" what do you think that would have done to me? I'm my biggest critic. I don't need someone to do it for me. Let me tell you, I have that section covered. I recently asked a group of ladies a set of questions about breast feeding/ bottle. I laughed so hard at some stories, so sweet and funny. I also cried, my heart ached for many of these moms. So many felt/feel like failures. Some who desperately wanted to breast feed and due to medical issues could not. Some who didn't feel comfortable with breastfeeding and felt like others looked at them as if they loved their babies less. If you ever want to hurt or anger a mommy, insult their love for their babies. 

I understand that breastfeeding is the most natural way to feed our babies. I understand that you are trying to educate and bring awareness to the world. I'm all for the normalization of breast feeding. I will feed my baby wherever I want, whenever she wants. But you will not catch me saying breast is best. That is a judgment I will not put on someone. That's a pain I will not put on someone's heart. We all want the best for our babies! You do not know everyone's story. You do not know if they chose this route or if it was chosen for them. You just don't know! 

All of us mommies out their remember how crazy it was right after having our babies. It's stressful, emotional, chaotic, and draining. You just had a baby, a human being just came out of you. You are tired and scared. People you don't know are all in your personal space. This is all so new and foreign to you. You have to choose which route you are going to take, now. Some don't get to choose but for those who do, it's now or never. If you choose to not breastfeed there is no going back. That's not fair. It's not fair to criticize someone for making a choice that was so difficult in such a stressful environment. Every person's situation is different. Every baby is different. Just because you were successful in breastfeeding doesn't mean every mom will be. Just because your baby took to breastfeeding with ease, doesn't mean all babies will. 

 

I dont know about you but my hormones are crazy after having a baby. My mind is all over the place. I get very little uninterrupted sleep. My days are filled with sweet little voices that are always needing something. My life is no longer about me. Every breathing moment is my children. Please don't insult my life with your judgemental saying "breast is best" please do not assume that because I breast feed that I feel the same as you. Please do not group me into that sanctimom category. I do not think I'm better than anyone. I know I'm human and imperfect. I made a decision that I felt was best for my family and I. I feel that breastfeeding is the best for my family. 

We are here to love and support. Why try to tear eachother down? Who is it benefiting? Not our children, I can tell you that! How do we expect children to grow up happy, if we are so negative? Do you think you are helping that child by tearing their mother down? You expect her to raise her children to be strong and confident even though you are trying to take her straight and confidence away from her. Stop!!! I beg you, stop! Breast is best for you, not for all. 

Here's a few quotes from the stories I had the honor to read. 

 "I did both Breast and Bottle.  I didn't really get to choose the route we took.  I tried very hard to breastfeed.  My daughter would latch and nurse for hours at a time only to scream in frustration because she was still hungry.  We were even at the point of using a nipple shield with a feeding tube formula, just so she was continue to latch and we were hoping it would signal my body to produce more milk.  I would even pump between nursing to try to get my supply up.  It didn't work though, and after  8 weeks of having something attached to me, I gave up and we went to bottles."

Jennifer Gill

"I guess my bad experience would have to be the medical condition I have. I have 3 kids. With the first 2 I had no idea I had a problem. My 1st child literally starved and lost 1.5 pounds. I felt HORRIBLE. I was told that I had to supplement and it wasn't an option. I was drinking 100 oz of water a day, drinking mother's milk tea, taking fenugreek and doing everything I could find and think of the be able to b/f. Same with my second child. When I was diagnosed by my Dr. and lactation consultant (finally) I cried. I felt relief and sadness. Relief that I wasn't a horrible failure and less guilt for 'giving up'. Sadness b/c I will never know what it's like to EBF my child."

Amie Clemens 

"Ok so I tried breastfeeding but had to stop at two weeks as Sam had Thrush and it literally took all the skin off my nipple area 😞 So after that I bottle fed."

Lani Setser 

"I chose breast feeding because it is what everyone in America pushes. You’re made to feel like a horrible person who is poisoning your child if they have a drop of formula. She had only breastmilk for her first 7 months but the pumping got out of control while working and I grew to resent it so much that I started giving her a little formula at 7.5 months."

Isbelle  Nunez 

"I'm gonna be honest and say that the thought of it reeeeally freaked me out. I was really insecure about it and didn't want to go through the private vs. not private battle (from multiple sources - including myself).

2) are you happy with your decision? If not why? - Relatively. I was sad after a while that I'd missed the opportunity to bond with him that way. But then I realized I was his favorite person regardless, and stopped beating myself up about it. Bottle feeding worked for us, and I don't have any regrets." 

Lauren Keyes 

"I almost died during birth and had transfusions. Took almost 5 days for milk to come in. I pumped for two weeks but barely could supply an adequate bottle for a day. My daughter had no choice but to use a bottle her first days here."

"Moms should support choices of other mothers for their child. What is right for one is not right for all. There are plenty of sanctimommies everywhere."

Nicole Stamps Vaughn 

"My milk never came in so breastfeeding (even though I wanted to) was not an option. "

Marcie Dixon 

"I initially wasn't happy with choosing bottle feeding. I wanted to breastfeed so badly and it worked well for a while but then I just couldn't. Baby refused to latch for days, I tried a shield and nothing worked. I pumped and bottle fed her, but then pumping got to be too much and she went on formula." 

Sarah Gagnon 

"I bottle-fed for the most part, not out of choice but out of necessity. I did not make enough milk for any of my children to live on fully, despite meetings with lactation consultant, medication, oatmeal, everything. It was not a choice, but it was the right thing for us, and to keep my children alive!"

"I was happy to use formula because otherwise my children would've starved. But there was so much awful pressure on me, and complete strangers asking if I was breast-feeding, that I felt completely alienated from mommy circles, and felt terrible all the time. I felt like I wasn't bonding with my children, which ended up not being the situation at all. It wasn't a decision for me, but even if it was, it really is nobody's business, and I think in today's world it's hard to feel OK with it, because there's a lot of stigma against formula feeding, despite so many groups trying to normalize breast-feeding. Which I also agree with, of course."

"Nothing stands out, just complete strangers asking me if I'm breast-feeding, and the shame that goes along with and to answer that, and feel like I have to justify my situation. "

Allyn Spacek 

"My second son and I couldn't get rid of a horrible yeast infection that we kept passing back and forth between us. After a month of dreading feeding him and crying every time I did, I decided it would be better for our relationship (and his poor little bum and my poor boobs) if we switched to formula." 

Paige Robinson Sommers

"I wanted to breastfeed desperately but had almost no support or knowledge about it. I had an awful LC and just got really frustrated with the whole thing. Being a first time mom was hard enough without wanting to feel like a failure for not being able to BF my baby, so I was able to pump for about 4 weeks and then we did the formula route." 

Aravon Jordan 

"I tried desperately to breast feed. It was pushed at the hospital that I had my son at but yet they only had one lactation consultant there on the weekend. He was born on a Saturday. I asked for help numerous times and was always taught something different. I didn't see the LC until the day we left the hospital. I wasn't prepared to successfully breastfeed after having a c-section."

"I cried when I wasn't able to breastfeed. I tried so hard. I obsessed over it until I was miserable and finally had to make the decision to offer my son something that isn't the best. Ive been feeling extreme guilt ever since. I didn't want to feed him formula. I feel like a failure in some ways."

Elizabeth Bittinger 

Part one of the back history of my relationship with my father

As I sat at my mothers house telling my brother about a few experiences I had had with my father, he sat there doodling on his tablet. My words affected him. He send it to the next day and it broke my heart. If I can affect him by just barely scraping the surface, imagine what it's doing to me. 

 To say my father and I have a bad relationship would be an understatement. I would say it's toxic. When I was I child I longed for a father. I longed for an escape from the hell that was my life. We had moved away from my father when I was very young. My mom had remarried and her husband was in the military.. We moved from Sacramento to Oceanside Camp Pendelton. At this point I was still to naïve to realize who my father really was. I was only in the second grade so I was about 7 years old. I told my father that my mommy was getting married and that we were getting another daddy. Which I said in innocence but would later be thrown back in my face. 

 After we moved the phone calls came less and less. He would only call on holidays and promise cards and letters that never came. He would say, " it's in the mail"  then weeks of checking the the mailbox everyday. Then the phone calls stopped. He no longer called on holidays. We lived in Oceanside for a little over two years and I remember seeing him once. My Mothers husband was extremely abussive. The things that he had been subtly doing to me had worsened. I was no longer confused about what was going on. His sexual molestation was at its worst. My Mother was working nights at this point. She was completely oblivious to the nightmare I was living. 

After moving to the Nashville area where we were stationed I finally told a friend about what was going on. In the back of my head I just knew that if I wanted to escape that I could always go live with my father. I didn't tell him about what had happened because I didn't want to leave my mother and my brother. When things had got to its worse I called my father. I told him about what was going on and how I couldn't stay anymore. This was the hardest thing that I had ever done. I didn't want to leave my family but I couldn't take life anymore. I moved in with my father. What I thought was going to be my safe place didn't turn out that way. 

 I only lived with him for a few months. I'm only going to briefly tell you about life with him.  He was heavily drinking day in day out. I shared a wall with his bedroom and would hear a beer open in the middle of the night. On pay day he would go cash his check, go to a friend's house and come home with no money. He would stay up all night taking apart the electronics. I would walk in to his room with the vcr in pieces on the floor. He would burst out in a rage for no reason. He would make me call my mother so he could scream at her and make me listen. I had to call the police on him for physical assault. 

 While living with my father I went from a straight a student to barely passing. I gained over 50lbs. I thought, wrote, even dreamed about killing myself. I skipped school one day and planned on running away. I wondered to streets from 7 am till it was dark trying to find my grandmother house that I had been to when I was a child. 

Then I couldn't find it I decided to go back until another day. After that he cut me off from everyone I knew back home. From my best friend, from my boyfriend, and even from my mother. He told me that he was going to read the police report and the DCS report of all the grusum details of my sexual and physical abuse. He told me that he was going to put my mother in jail and that I would never see them again. Then he had his wife pack me a bag without me knowing and we went over to visit my uncle. While I was in the bathroom they left me there. I came of the bathroom only to be told that I was going to be staying there until further notice. This was the best two weeks. I will always appreciate the love my uncle showed me. 

 

 The rest of that was a blur of hate and anger. I choose to leave and return the life in Tennessee then to stay with him. The drugs, alcohol, and abuse was just too much. When I returned home I tried to right what I had wronged. We spoke on the phone a few times. I even agreed to visit him. But that only ended in disaster too. It seemed like every time we got together the police called. My father decided he was no longer going to really try to be a dad but now was my friend. This never works out well....

 

Kylie's 4th birthday party: project inside outside

 I asked Kylie, what kind of party do you want this year? She was quick to answer that she wanted to go camping with all her friends. A sleepover?! This is a big deal, this is not just a big deal for her but for me also. I didn't get to have sleepovers growing up and going to a sleepover was not ever yes or no either. Who is going to be there? Is her dad going to be there? Who long have you known them? I need to talk to her mother. When your mom doesn't trust anyone it makes your social life hard. Even tho I get it now It's hard for a child to understand. So, "mommy I want to go camping with my friends!" Was huge! If im going to do this I'm going to make it something we could all look back fondly on. This sleepover was going to be their first and the one to replace my bad memories. I had to make it a good memory for her and also a healing experience for me. I undoubtedly live through my girls. I'm not ashamed to say it, they are helping me heal and deal with all my issues even if they have no idea that they are.

 

I started project outside inside. It's way to hot outside, I don't do a lot of bugs, and too many sweet girls to watch and protect from outsiders, so we would be camping inside. Kylie told me who she wanted to attend, I excluded the boys because I'm protective. I don't think anything would happen but I cringe when I see any little boy kiss Kylie. She doesn't look like a baby to me anymore and my history makes it difficult to see. This is an issue that I need to deal with but as of right now I just try to avoid. Just to let everyone know, I don't want you to detur your child from showing my girls affection. I don't think that is a healthy way to deal with the issue. 

 We put our list together and I invited her "best friends" now I had to turn this house into a campsite.

I had to put up trees, a night sky, and make it feel real. I'm a dollar tree lover, spent about $10 on supplies and then hobby lobby for card stock which was another $10. I love to decorate but I hate spending money, so DIY is the way to go. I used 3 dark blue table cloths and some left over battery powered tea candles from my wedding to make the starry sky. I used craft paper and construction paper for the trees. I had to make them with fall colors due to the fact that only about 6 sheets of green come in a pack of construction paper. The cardstock was used to make all our woodland friends. My mom (Mamma) gave the girls their gifts early so we could set the mood. So now we had 3 trees, 5 woodland friends, a starry sky, a river with fish, and a campsite, the mood was set. 

 We invited six of her friends to come stay the night. Three of them were able to make it. I felt beyond honored to be trusted with these little girls. The fact that not only was I trusted with them but my husband also was an amazing feeling. This might not seem like a big deal to some but to me it was enormous. My little girls are my everything, they are my heart. So to be trusted with someones heart is an honor. This is something that we don't take lightly.  

 

 The ages ranged from 2 to 6. I can decorate for a party but can I entertain them? I was so nervous. Thankfully my bestest buddy Amanda stayed with me. She had a chance to have a night without her 4 year old and chose to help watch 6 kids and sleep on my love seat. My husband came home from a long day of work with pizza in hand. He also made a special stop to pick up some chicken for one of the girls who doesn't like pizza. We ate dinner then went outside to catch bubbles with our butterfly nets. After working up a sweat it was popsicle time. The bugs and heat outside was too much for us so before we were eaten alive we decided to go inside. After putting on pjs and brushing teeth it was "campfire" time. This was them sitting on pillows in a circle with flashlights in the dark under the starry sky. We gave all the girls a chance to tell a story, then we sang songs. Jason read a story to the girls, the book with no pictures. If you haven't read it before I highly recommend it. It was now time to calm down and get ready for bed. We set the tents up facing the tv, popped some popcorn, and put in a movie. The girl chose A Goofy Movie. When the movie ended it was lights out, time to go to sleep. We hushed all the giggles and eventually they all were out cold. Lila ended up in bed with her daddy, Kylie was snuggling on the couch with me. One ended up in Lila's bed and the other two took the two tents. 

 Jason woke up before everyone to sneak out and get some fresh doughnuts from the shop up the road. He also stopped and grabbed some coffee for Amanda and I. I really don't know what I did to deserve him but I'm not giving him up. I turned on some princess music and whispered in everyone's ears, "there's doughnuts!"  They devoured their breakfast treat and we got dressed and brushed teeth. Jason took all the girls on a field trip to the movies. They are doing free family movies in the morning on weekends at the local movie theater here. This gave me time to clean and prepare for all our friends and family to come over for lunch and celebrate our sweet Kylie.

 I baked owl cupcakes, made acorns, waffle s'mores, grape porcupines, hotdogs wrapped in crescent rolls and some other snacks. People came flooding in. We packed over 30 people in our little house. It was so sweet to watch all these people gather around to show our little girl love. My heart was overwhelmed by everyone. Kylie opened all her birthday presents with her dramatic flair, lots of "Oh! my! Goodness!" And, " this is amazing!" She even kissed some of her gifts. I tried to say hi and spend time with everyone who came but somehow I feel like I barely talked to anyone. This whole weekend went by so fast and seemed like a blur of food, friends, and little giggles. 

I ended the weekend with drinks outside with a few of mine and my husbands buddies. It was a great way to relax after such a busy weekend. I can't believe how blessed we are to have so many people in our lives that love and care for not only us by our girls. This is definitely a weekend that I will always remember. This is a memory that took place of another that wasn't worth remembering. I hope to slowly replace all the bad memories with great ones like these. I hope to always be able to give my girls a childhood that I always wanted. I hope to always be able to go above and beyond for them. I thank God everyday for what he has given me and who he has put in my life. Thank you to everyone who came to celebrate with us and who helped make this weekend so magical!

Firefighters, crayons, and bees

Today has been quite a day. I'm exhausted! This morning started off with the girls getting up around 6:30. They were still tired from swimming yesterday. So they woke up cranky. After fighting about who gets to snuggle with mommy, Kylie decided she was hungry. She wanted chips and nothing else. That was not going to happen. We battled for a while over that. She kicked and screamed in her bed until I almost snapped. 

Story time at the library starts at 10:30. We made it there and had a wonderful time. The fire department was a guest speaker. The girls listened to a story and heard about the fire fighters. They showed them all their gear and they even got to go into their truck. Lila got a little scared but ended up going in the truck. After we did our craft we looked for books to checkout. 

We found the super hero that they hide in the library. ( they hide this action figure and if you find it you get a prize) The prize was either a pencil or a pixie stick. Neither of these prizes are appropriate for young children. I chose the pixie stick for them instead of the pencil. All of the sudden it was a potty emergency. Kylie was going to explode! I try to hurry the girls to the bathroom. I'm carrying Ellie in her car seat while trying rush the girls into the bathroom. Lila is in a panic because she was given candy and I haven't opened it yet. She is yelling at me,"I want my candy!" Kylie is yelling," I have to go potty!"

Lila won't walk into the bathroom and is standing in the door way continuing to cry about her candy. "Girls please let me in the door" I end up having to kick Lila into the bathroom. Kylie has now peed her pants and Lila is screaming. I put Kylie on the potty so she can finish going pee. I try to let Lila eat this stupid paper tube of sugar. Trying to teach a 2 year old to eat a pixie stick is ridiculous. She shoves the paper tube in her mouth and the sugar won't come out the wet end. I rip off the wet piece and explain that I will just pour it in her mouth for her. So all you hear from this bathroom stole is," Lila open your mouth and I'll pour it in..... Your getting it wet and it won't come out...... Stand up!!!!! Open your mouth!" She ended up throwing herself on the bathroom floor and was rolling around. I just trew the candy in the trash. I open the bathroom stole and of course there is someone in there with her adorable little girls. Lila is a screaming snotty mess. I explain myself to this woman, thankfully she was very sweet. We proceed to walk out of the bathroom and Lila no longer knows how to walk. I have Ellie in her car seat, her backpack, their books, their craft projects, and their fire fighter hats and now a 2 year old who can't walk. Kylie refuses to carry anything and Lila is screaming," pick me up! Pick me up!"  I struggle to to carry everything out the door. Lila isn't even trying to help hang on to me. She is just dead weight in my arms. We made it home and I realized I never checked out the books, I just took them. 

Everything calmed down. I went upstairs to work on the computer. I'm still trying to transfer all my pictures so I can restore the computer. While I was upstairs I let the girls color in their new coloring books the firefighters gave them. Kylie called for me," momma you have to come see this"

I go downstairs and she point at her nose. I didn't see anything. "Do you need to blow your nose?" She said yes. She complained it hurt. "Theirs something in my nose...." "Well what is it?!" 

She didn't want to tell me. After asking over and over, "it's a crayon" I looked up there and sure enough a blue crayon was shoved way up her nose. I took her into the doctors office and Jason met me there. The doctor tried and tried to get it out but was only pushing it up higher. Her nose started to bleed and they sent her over to the ER. I took the other two home while Jason sat with Kylie. 

When I got home I noticed the water was shut off. Appearently we forgot to pay the bill. I call and guess what, they are now closed! I can't even deal right now. There is no number for after hours either. I call Jason and he stops by there on his way home to see if anyone might still be there. Thankfully there was but the only take check. His check book was at home with me. I pack the girls back in the car, rush around to find the check book and meet him there. 

I get home and sit in my car for a minute. Thankfully this day is coming to an end. Jason pulls in behind me and we get the girls into the house. As I'm walking into the house a bee flies into my hair! I can not make this up. A freaking bee flies into my hair!!! I'm in the kitchen screaming and whipping my hair around. All I can hear is buzzing coming from my hair. I yell for Jason who is walking outside to pee because we have no water. "There is something in my hair! It's buzzing!!! I can hear it! Get it out!" He didn't see it so just started running his fingers extremely violently through my hair. After ripping out enough hair to make a wig he finally got it out. As I'm sitting here I can still feel that stupid bee. Today has been quite a day. 

A memory for the books

After an afternoon of sitting at my mom and stepdad's house watching the girls play, they started to get bored and glued to the TV. So I thought about how I was talking to a friend of mine the other day. She had told me about taking her daughter to the fountains to play. So I thought what a great idea and I could get some really cute pictures. 

So my mom and I packed the girls up in the car and we head down to the streets of Indian lake. The thought of a peaceful afternoon, letting the girls play in the water, sounded so lovely. Well kids are awkward,and mine are really awkward. 

First thing Kylie does is, she goes and she stands directly over the water. So Lila being a little sister copies everything that her big sister does. My children are using the water fountain as their personal bidet. It would've been perfectly fine if they were sitting on the ground on top of the water and giggling about the water coming up between your legs but no, not my children. They weren't only doing that. They were also standing straddling the water and watching the water hit them in between legs. So My mom and I sit there and watch this and giggle. I looked over at my mom and I ask,"my kids are those weird homeschool kids aren't they?" Right then Kylie comes up, "mommy I have to go potty potty potty potty." Before I could figure out a plan on where to take them to the bathroom, she just walks over to the grass and just starts peeing. And then she yells,"I Peed in the grass." Yep my kid just peed in front of everyone in public. At least she didn't pee in the fountains.

My mom and I sit there watching them as they ran around screaming and splashing. Still awkwardly sitting on the fountains. Lila tried to investigate where the water was coming from. Which ended with water shooting her in the face. Kylie is pretending to have water powers. Everything was going pretty well. 

Kylie then decides to do her "exercises" oh my lord please help me! She gets down on all fours looking up at the sky. Her version of tricep dips looks alarmingly similar to hip thrusts. Yep! My kid is now humpping the air. My mother loses it. Laughing so hard she is crying. I explain to her what she is doing and this makes my mom laugh even harder. Please keep in mind we are in the middle of an out door mall. Now Kylie turns over and starts doing push-ups, so now she is humpping the ground. I look over at my mom who is now bright red from laughing so hard. Then Lila runs over to join her sister. Both humpping the ground. Now they both attempt to do downward facing dog. Both have their butts in the air and are shaking them. They both look like they are twerking. I explain once again to my mom what they are doing and Kylie interrupts me and yells, "My Mommy Does This All The Time!" Now my mother is a very pretty shade of purple. She is laughing so hard that she can no longer breathe. 

I tell the girls to go play in the water before we have to go. I'm trying my hardest to not get on to them for being innocent. They are just trying to play and exercise, doing an awkward version, but just trying to play. I don't want to get on to them because as adults we have perverse minds. They are so innocent but so awkward! Just imagine if these where grown women out here doing the same thing. Who would have known teaching your kids exercises would turn out so embarrassing?

 

This little boy and his mom walks up and he starts doing karate chops and kicks over the water. So now Kylie wants to show off her moves. She gets down on the ground over the water that is shooting up and starts doing her push ups. She now looks like she is humpping the water. I can't take it anymore, I stand up and yell, " Kylie, for the love of god stop!" She stops and stands up,"why mommy?" "I don't know how to explain it to you, I just want you to stop!" 

I hear another mother start laughing at me. How do you explain to a child why you don't want them to shoot water up In between their legs? 

I don't think I've ever laughed so hard and been so embarrassed at the same time. A lovely day at the fountains? I think not, but most definitely a memory for the books.

Father's Day depression

Now that Father's Day weekend is over and all the celebrations have come to an end, I feel comfortable saying that I hate Father's Day. Just as Valentine's Day is to singles, Father's Day is my hard day. As long as I can remember I've disliked the day. In school all my classmates would be so excited to make their Daddy a card and a cute craft. They would talk about their Dads, their heroes. It didn't bother me on a day to day basis, but on Father's Day it was rubbed in my face. I wanted to make a coffee mug or buy a ridiculous tie. The commercials were just salt on the wound. Man they make families look so happy. I spent Father's Day as a child grieving what could have been. 

As I got older I was no longer sad on Father's Day, I became angry. I was angry that the void was still not filled. I was angry that my father hadn't stepped up. The fact that my mother was having to be both for my brother and I just infuriated me. I was extremely greatful for her. Father's Day was for my mother. She was the person putting in all the work. She was the parent that worked a ridiculous amount of hours to keep us a float. Watching her struggle killed me and Father's Day was the day that really made it prominent. I started noticing all these "Dads" being celebrated even tho they didn't deserve to be. Father's Day is for the men that are there for their children no matter what. You can't be selfish and be a good father. 

Now that I'm a parent myself I still dislike Father's Day. I am no longer angry or jealous. I've stopped grieving what could have been. Now I'm sad for a whole other reason. I'm sad for him. I can't imagine waking up one day I realizing it's too late. I missed it all. I missed all the smiles, the giggles. I've missed all the snuggles and hugs. I didn't get to be her hero. When she got hurt I wasn't there to kiss her ouchie. Can you imagine? My heart aches thinking about the pain he must feel. The what ifs would eat me alive. The guilt would be too much for me to handle. 

 

 

 

Caught in the rain

To start my return to being a stay at home mom off on good note I decided to take the girls to the zoo. I checked the weather and had my stepdad check the radar. It was a 40% chance of rain and looked to be just briefly passing through. I decided to stick to the plan and continue on to the zoo. If my mom was ok with the possibility of getting a little wet than we would go. She was fine with it and the thought of a little bit of sprinkling on a hot day sounded quite lovely. Also because of the call for rain the zoo would most likely not be crowded. Sounds like a great family day to me, a zoo trip to a crowd less zoo with a light drizzle and plenty of puddles to jump in. Well the day did not go that way. On the way to the zoo it started to rain and we got lost in all the construction on the interstate. Not that big of deal to me or my mom who are directionally challenged. This happens to us often.

She is horrible with directions and when I get to talking I don't pay attention to where I'm going, I just drive. When we finally got to the zoo the rain had stopped and now the humidity was in full swing. How is it that I've lived in Tennessee for the majority of my life now and I still don't think about the humidity? We make our way into the zoo and go straight to look at the sea horses. Miss Kylie has her zoo adventure planned out from the sea horses to the flamingos. After the sea horses we had to feed the birds. Kylie and I argued for about 10 minutes over me calling the birds lorikeets. 

Me: Kylie do you want to feed the lorikeets?

Kylie: the birds MOM! 

Me: yes the birds are called lorikeets 

Kylie: I want to feed the birds not the keets!!!!

Me: lorikeets are the birds. That's the kind of bird they are.

Kylie: I want to feed the birds!!!

And so on. We went into the room and bought the nectar. I let my mom hold it not realizing she was afraid of birds. Oops! Hahaha! Three lorikeets landed on her, two on her arm who started fighting over the nectar and one on her shoulder who was extremely interested in her hair. Kylie insisted on holding the nectar. A bird landed on her arm and she instantly dropped her arm as if someone dropped a 50 pound brick on it. The bird started acting like it was going to bite her. She panicked, I panicked. 

Me: are you ok Kylie?

Kylie: I think so. I want to get out of here.

So we exited the lorikeet exhibit. I read that there was going to be an animal encounter at the historic house. Sounded like fun. Ends up they cancelled it, which should have been a sign. We walked to the beautiful garden they have behind the house. It was kind of nice walking around in the light rain, felt like we were back in the old time. The rain started to get harder and now the wind was kicking in. The nice light rain had turned into hard cold rain and the light breeze was now freezing us. I opened our umbrella to try to keep Ellie dry until we could make it to the car. My mom, the three girls and I only make it half way out of the historical farm and the bottom falls out of the sky. The dark clouds roll in along with the thunder and lightning. Well there goes the umbrella, it's no longer safe to use. We decide we will stand under a covering until the rain let up. Not the best idea, the wind picked up even more. With all five of us soaked from the rain, that wind was almost unbearable. Along with the stronger wind came harder rain and more thunder. My mom and I decided to just suck it up and make it to the car which was a good 10-15 minute walk away. The rain was coming down so hard it felt like little needles hitting our skin. All three girls were screaming. Poor Ellie was having a hard time catching her breath. I was trying my hardest to cover her up and run without slipping. Miss Kylie is screaming "the storm is coming! It's getting closer!" Lila is crying "I cold!" 

We finally make it out of the zoo and into the parking lot which is now covered in about 4 inches of water that has it's own current. We are having to run up hill, against the rushing water, against the wind and rain. My mom is trying to push the stroller against the force of the rushing water. I'm trying to cover Ellie from the rain and dragging Kylie behind me. I'm wearing two different color flip flops (the girls hide my shoes and these were the only pair I could find) which were now slinging water up the back of my legs. We have to cross over a grass median that both the stroller and one of my shoes got sucked into. So now I'm running with only one shoe on and I can't see anything cause my glasses are completely covered in water. I look over at my mom and we just die laughing. I'm laughing so hard I am having to try my hardest to not pee myself. We go to walk across a cross walk and a zoo van comes speeding out of the back gate almost hitting Kylie, Ellie and I going about 30. Thankfully I stopped to look both ways and was holding Kylie's hand. Finally we are at the car and I find my keys. We get the girls in the van. I push the button to close the back hatch and run to get in the front seat. The back hatch hit the stroller and opened back up. I run back out into the pouring rain to close it. Climb back into my seat. I look over at my mom. She is dripping wet and looks exhausted. I look in the mirror. My hair is stuck to my forehead, I have water dripping from my chin and my glasses are covered in water and fogged up. We hear Lila from the back seat, "POTTY NOW!" Mom and I look at eachother and we lose it. We laughed so hard we were both crying. 

What started as a nice day at the zoo changed into the worse zoo experience ever, yet a memory we will all cherish forever. I would not change our zoo day at all. We were given a chance to show the girls that things may not always go as planned but you can always find the joy and humor in it. 

Just another potty adventure

Went and picked more strawberries with the girls and my mom yesterday. So as we pull in both girls see the porta potty. I don't know about everyone else but my kids are obsessed with the bathroom everywhere we go. There are so many potties to explore. Just one of the many joys of motherhood, helping your toddler hover over a huge variety of toilets and diseases. So the sight of this big orange porta potty just screamed adventure. As soon as I put the van in park the intense urge to go potty hit. The chanting started from the back seat, "potty potty potty! I have to go potty!" "Me too! Me too!" As you can imagine I was thrilled at the fact that I had to take two little girls into a tiny germ infested box. Thankfully my mom came along to pick strawberries with us and stayed at the car with Ellie while we went on our newest potty adventure. We come up to this disgusting cube of feces and I open the door, "wow! How cool!" Umm?! I think not crazy child! They both walk in and I prop the heaviest string loaded door open with my back. This way we don't die of heat exhaustion and air pollution. Lila was first, but let me tell you she was not the first of the day. You get an amazing view when you are leaned over holding a child over the hole that is this toilet. It's a front row seat the the beautiful view and smell. Now it is Kylie's turn I have her proped up in the seat and I'm fighting with Lila to stop touching the urinal that is in there. Why is there a urinal in there? I have no idea. So I reach up to get some hand sanitizer with one hand and I'm holding on to Kylie with the other. As I go to push the despenser a wasp comes bulting out and attached itself to my arm. I of course freak out let go of Kylie and start slapping my arm to try to detach this angry little monster. It gets a few shots in before shouting out the door. Thankfully I had proped the door open. Can you imagine if I had closed and locked the door? That angry wasp would have been trapped in that tiny container with me and my two girls. Also Kylie thankfully had great balance. Which is not a normal characteristic of hers. God was watching out for us and she did not fall down into the hole of death. As my arm began to swell I had so much to be thankful for. This crazy potty experience could have gone so much worse. Thank goodness my mom had Ellie, I proped the door open and Kylie had amazing balance. 

Teddy will you sing with me?

Teddy? Teddy, I'm scared! Teddy, shhh daddy might hear you. Please don't let him hurt me again. Teddy, I'm scared, why is daddy so angry? Why does he yell at me? I don't want him to hurt my mommy. Teddy please say he won't. We are so happy in the morning, like mommy  said to be. Teddy I don't understand! When daddy comes in the house smells gross. Mommy says it's sweat, dirt and alcohol. Mommy says if you smell it, go to your room and go right to bed. Mommy says daddy smells like that when he's had a bad day. She says be very quit. Teddy I try but daddy still comes in. Teddy, I'm scared! Teddy I don't like daddy like this. Teddy shh! Daddy is coming! I'm scared. Teddy will you sing with me? Sing with me please teddy sing.

Will the circle be unbroken by and by lord by and by. There's a better home awaiting in the sky lord in the sky. 

I wrote this when I was in high school as a drama assignment. Many didn't know this was actually a memory from my childhood. This old dirty teddy bear helped me through some of the hardest times in my life. 

I was discussing my future with my Aunt over the weekend. She asked if I had thought about writing a book. The thought is intimidating. I would love to share my story with people who need to hear it. People need to know that you can move on and forward with life. I fear that writing a book about my life will bring up a lot of emotions and painful memories. But I am really considering doing it. 

5 truths about me as mommy

It's been brought to my attention that I've been placed on a side in this ridiculous mommy war. Why? I do what's best for me and mine. My decisions and choices have nothing to do with you. These choices don't define me as a mother nor make me a better one. What's right for my family might not be right for yours. I don't think I'm better than you, I think we are different people and should live different lives. The world would be boring if we all were exactly the same. There is not just one right way to do things.  

1) I breastfeed my babies 

I had a discussion with a friend about breast vs bottle. I had no idea how personal this decision was. I had no idea that the decision came along with a side to an ongoing war. Please don't think that because I breastfeed I judge you for not doing so. Yes I breastfeed, but that doesn't mean that I'm a better person for doing so. This doesn't make me a better mother. I breastfeed more because I'm lazy and cheap. Yes its natural and there are health benefits for both mommy and baby. It's also FREE and that's what attracted me to it. I want to be able to spend as much time as I can with my babies. If I bottle fed we would be spending more per week and I would have to go back to work. Formula isn't cheap! Another plus, I don't have to make bottles, so less dishes and I don't have to do as much in the middle of the night. This is where the laziness kicks in. I just pick her up, pop her on and try to stay awake while she eats. All the bonding and health benefits are just a plus. I chose what was right for me and my family. I don't judge you for doing the same. I have no right nor the desire to. 

2) I'm a baby wearer 

 

This one blows my mind! Why do people care? What makes wearing your baby better than pushing them in a stroller? I wear for convenience. Strollers take up so much space. I have not mastered pushing a stroller, it takes skills that I do not have. I can't tell you how many times I've crashed into a display or ripped down a whole rack of clothes. Stores are not designed for strollers. I also have three children and only two hands. Wearing my baby frees up my hands for my other two children to hold. It's just so convenient. 

3) I sometimes co sleep

This is goes back to me being lazy. I often fall asleep during late night feeds. Another reason is she sleeps better and I get more sleep. After trying two or three times to get her to sleep on her own, I'll give up and let her sleep on me. I can hear people gasping now. Hey I'm a mom to three young children. If I don't get sleep someone could possibly die. If not from me passing out from sleep deprivation, then from me losing my mind and patience. I try hard not to co sleep because of all the horror stories I've heard, I do what I have to do. 

4) I'm a stay at mom

I didn't want any other career. I wanted to be a mom. Some dream of becoming teachers, lawyers, doctors, ect. I dreamed of being a mommy. I want to enjoy every minute I can of it. The thought of someone else getting to spend more time with my babies is too much for me. They are mine and I don't want to share. I sometimes wish I had a passion for other things. When they get older and don't need me I will be lost. For the meantime I'm enjoying it while I can. 

5) I don't let people watch my children 

This one is hard for me to tell people. Feelings get hurt. I was raised in an abussive home. I have a hard time putting my trust in people when it comes to my girls. It's always the people you would never think would do something that end up being the monsters. Abusers don't advertise their craziness. This is my issue and should not make you think bad about yourself. This is also another reason why I'm a stay at home mom. 

 

Please don't make snap judgements. The reasons behind what we do isn't always the same as someone else's. I'm not on any side in this ridiculous war. Love your babies and do what's best for your family. Who cares about everyone else. 

Thank you for not only being my friend, but for loving my babies.

  When I got pregnant I was so excited. I had great friends that I just knew where going to be like family to my baby. So many uncles and aunts, she was going to be the luckiest little girl, so much love. I found out very quickly that, that was not what was going to happen. I chose to start a family at a young age. Some may think that Kylie was not planned. We may not have done things the traditional way but this is what we wanted. I understood that my life was going to change and I was ok with that. I did not realize how many friendships I would lose. 

 

  After I told everyone and the news was out, we were having a baby, I got mixed reactions. Some very happy, but most disappointed and didn't understand why we wanted this so young. I was no longer that fun carefree person they all loved, now I was a "mom". All the calls and invites stopped. I started to get blown off and forgotten. I was extremely depressed, all my friends had forgot about me. My dream of all theses aunts and uncles crumbled. If I did get invited to hang out it was to a bar or a party. Hate to say it but drunk people are only funny when you are drinking. 

  After I had Kylie and the new baby wore off, so did the visits. I wanted my friends to love my baby, I was heartbroken. No one wanted to hangout and if they did it was insinuated that I needed to get a babysitter. I understood that I was now in a different part of life then most my age. I also thought that my friendships were stronger than that. I thought my friends would see my baby girl as family. If they loved me why wouldn't they automatically love my baby. All my insecurities about family and friends were coming true. 

  I continued to try to keep in touch with friends but the effort felt one sided. So after a while I stopped trying. After I had my second child we bought our house. A girl from school with a little girl Kylie's age lived near us. So I decided maybe I needed a mommy friend, if not for me then for play dates for Kylie. 

I wanted to help Kylie find friends that she could grow up with. Maybe if she had friendships from a young age when they got older the same wouldn't happen to her. 

 

  I knew this girl from school was going to be my blessing from the moment we had our first play date. She was so sweet and awkward and funny. She loved her daughter so much. We were in the same stage of live, married with children. We continued to have play dates and text back and forth. She never judged me, we connected. She was so caring and selfless. 

  The more we hung out the more I saw her love for my babies. She didn't only want my friendship she loved my kids. She didn't only care about me she cared for my girls! I can't tell you how much that means to me. How much that means to a mother. If you don't love my kid then you don't love me. I am no longer just me, I'm a mother, my girls are a part of me. In my eyes they are the best part of me. So to see someone love that part of me means the world. 

  I didn't only find a friend that day, I found a sister. I found a role model for my girls. I found a life long friendship. I found family and I couldn't be more blessed. I never thought I was going to have that. I always wanted that best friend to grow with, I found that in her. She is what I've always prayed for. 

 

You've been reported for nudity

Nudity?!?! I've been reported for nudity?! Please someone explain this to me.

While pregnant with my third baby girl I decided to show my girls how beautiful pregnancy is. I may not have the perfect body, but this imperfect body created two perfect little girls. And now was working on another. I felt beautiful my whole pregnancy, well up to the last week. Do to all the swelling. The girls and I took pictures almost everyday of my Ellie belly and of them with it. I decided to share these pictures and my pregnancy with my friends and family. So many of my loved ones only get contact with me through Facebook. Most of my family lives in California and most of my friends have busy lives, so Facebook is a blessing. 

           After months of pictures  

I get reported for nudity! Look at this picture. Are you looking at it? Do you see any private areas showing? You can't even see my belly button for goodness sakes. My Lila is completely dressed and I'm even wearing two bras. So please tell me why someone would see this picture and think, "this is unacceptable! I must make Facebook aware of this!" Why must someone try to take the joy away from this picture? Why is this person trying to make me feel ashamed of what I look like? Why are they being hateful.?

Well of course after review Facebook decided this was in fact not nudity and dismissed the report. A few days later my girls and I had a dancing around in our underwear day. We do that around here. I want my girls to see me being convident in my body. So what better way than to blast some good music and dance our hearts out. I loved the video so much I took screen shoots of it. They came out amazing. We will be framing them. I was reluctant to post them. But once again I tell my girls to be convident in themselves so I need to practice what I preach. Maybe it would inspire someone to take pride in their body and feel more convident in how they look. 

Six minutes after posting I was reported. Why? Because I was pregnant? Because my babies were in the picture with me? Was it because we were in our underwear? Was it because I don't have the small frame and body that is considered beautiful? 

My heart was crushed. Here I am trying to be a convident woman. Here I am trying to be a example for my girls, my friends and my family. Here I am putting myself out of my comfort zone and someone is trying to tear me down. Someone is harassing me. This person is suppose to be a "friend" of mine. Yet they are hiding behind the Internet trying to hurt me. 

I had so many people try to reason with why this "friend" was doing this. I even had some tell me I was wrong to post what I had posted. "It's your life, but I would never..." This infuriated me!!!! You would never?! So you don't wear bathing suits? Oh, so you don't have pictures of your toddler in their diaper, bathing suit, or a onesie? "Your child is in her panties!"

Just because my two and three year old are potty trained already means they are no longer toddlers? Please!!!! Please explain this concept to me! 

"You are putting your children out there for predators to get!" Excuse me?! Who are you to tell me this? This goes along with saying, "oh did you see how she was dressed? No wonder she was raped." Or "maybe if you covered up a little more, you would be taken more serious." Let me tell you, a predator will seek you out anyways. No matter how you are dressed. Walk down the street down town, some idiot will shout some stupid line at you. 

Why are we making up excuses and defending someone in the wrong? Do you realize what you are saying? You are saying it's not their fault. They couldn't help themselves. You were asking for it. There's so much evil out there you should hide from it. If you don't want anything bad to happen to you or yours, you better walk on egg shells. 

I'm sorry but no. I refuse to raise my girls though fear. I refuse to hide from the evil in the world. I refuse to change because you don't like who I am or how I choose to live my life. I refuse to conform. I refuse to be bullied into something I'm not. I refuse to live absurd social standards. I will not take away the beauty and innocence from my children's childhood. I am not going to force them to grow up. 

So thank you! Thank you for helping me to be more convident. Thank you for inspiring me to make a stand. Thank you. You tried to tear me down and you failed. You actually helped me to grow. You helped build me up. Man that's got to sting. 

Your child bottle feeds her baby, mine breastfeeds

There is no doubt that this momma breastfeeds. I've always been proud to say breastfed when people asked bottle or breast. I have no problem talking about it and anwering questions from other mommas. I've even stated feeling more and more comfortable feeding in public. I'm mastering the art of feeding decretly. But having toddler/preschool aged children who have no filter yet, is showing me that being decret might not be an option.

Walking through Kroger with Kylie, who is a loud talker, we have this conversation.

Kylie: momma, you have a baby in your belly!

Me: yes I do!

Kylie: that is so sweet.

Me: yes baby it is.

Kylie: I was in your belly too! And so was Lila!!!

Me: yes, you're right.

Kylie: that is so sweet

Me: yes it is sweet girl.

Kylie: the baby is going to drink from your boobies!!!!!!!!

Me: yep...... Let's talk about this later.

Kylie: I drank from your boobies too!!!! And so did Lila!!!!!

Me: yep.... 

Kylie: that's so sweet!!! Babies like boobies!!!!

I thought, oh goodness this is going to be fun! When I had Lila, Kylie was still very young and not talking very well yet. Now Kylie is talking, well more like shouting, and Lila is in her monkey see monkey do phase. This time around is going to be a whole new adventure. Thank goodness I have a sense of humor. If not I wouldn't make it. If I were shy about breastfeeding, I won't be for long. I have a long road of embarrassing conversation ahead of me. So I'm just going to own it. Why not share and let others enjoy my awkward moments? 

The other day the girls were playing in Ellie's car seat. They were taking turns being the baby. Lila would sit in the car seat. You hear Kylie, "oh hi baby! Awe, you are so cute. Are you a sleepy baby."

Lila pretending to sleep. Then Kylie sat in the car seat. Lila gets so excited, trying her hardest to pick the "baby" up. I'm just sitting on the couch giggling. Then I hear Lila, "baby hungry!" I look over and Lila is trying to breast feed Kylie. For all the times not to have my camera on me, why this time?

We were at a friends wedding and Ellie started crying. Kylie comes up to me and says," momma! Ellie is hungry!!!! She wants your boobies!!!" I'm so happy my child doesn't have an inside voice. Everyone one around us appreciates it too. Thank you Kylie, thank you. 

 

I guess my girls are doing their part to normalize breastfeeding. It's going to be an embarrassing and entertaining journey. Hope everyone who is apart of it enjoys it as much as I am. If you like it or not my loud mouth children are going to tell you about it. If they don't tell you about it, they might just reenact it for you.