A bit off, not quite right

 

 This water bottle is the perfect example of how I feel today. I feel just a bit off, not quite right. Today is the last day my oldest child will be home with me. Tomorrow starts our new journey. She starts kindergarten and I become a mom to a student. This might not seem like that big of a deal. Hell it didn't feel that big to me either at first. Yet now it's all too real. I woke up this morning hoping today could last forever. Lord make today drag by. Please make the day seem to last another 5 years. It only seems fair sence the last 5 years only seemed to last one day. 

 My mind is all over the place. I can't seem to focus on anything. I'm obsessing over every detail. Every thing must be perfect. Details from her hair to her lunch. All my insecurities are pouring out. All the horrible days in school are flooding back. Not only is there potential for her to be judged but also for me. 

 I've fought back tears all day. My house is spotless from the obsessive cleaning. All I want to do is spend our last day together but my mind won't let me. If I focus on her I might lose it. I've spent everyday with her for years. I'm not me without them. 

 Today I envy the parents who work. They don't depend on their children as much as their children depend on them. Their hearts broke years ago and are able to be happy for their children. Mine is breaking as I speak. My world is crashing. My baby isn't a baby. I want so bad to be happy and excited for her. Hopefully soon, but for now I'm just a bite off, not quite right. 

No longer in control

Friday at 8 A.M. Friday at 8 A.M. Friday at 8 A.M.

 I way dancing around the living room with all three of my little girls. My phone rang. It startled us, as it was plugged into my stereo streaming music. I knew this call was coming. I knew it would be today. I look at the caller ID and my heart dropped into my stomach. Kylie's kindergarten teacher was calling to tell us what day she would start school. 

I was handling her starting school well I thought. Besides the fact that I had to drink a bottle of wine before school shopping for her. Yes I drank a bottle of wine to myself. No I was not drunk when I drove to the store. I was excited for her to start school. She is overjoyed to start school. I've made jokes about parents being proud of their children for starting kindergarten. Why are we so proud? The only reason I could come up with is the fact our children survived us for 5 years. We didn't eat them when they were beyond adorable and we didn't kill them on their ridiculous days. They have survived our cooking and our mood swings. I'm not sure if that merits pride or not, but dang I'm proud of us both. 

 

I've watched every one posting pictures of their children on the first day of school. Kylie's school is starting their kindergarteners later than most. It makes her going to school feel like a dream. This awful dream that my baby is old enough to start going to school. I kissed my little rosy cheeked, curly haired 2 year old good night. Just to wake up to her being this matured 5 year old with a mind of her own and the sassiness to speak it. I watched all these parents post pictures. I was ready, I was excited, I was taking this well. I was, until that phone rang. 

 

When that phone rang it hit me like a ton of bricks. That wasn't an awful dream. My baby girl is old enough to start school. I can't protect her from everything like I could before. She will be spending the majority of her time awake with other people. I'm no longer the biggest influence on her life. I'm having to trust that I've raised her right. I'm having to trust that her teacher will continue what I've started. I'm having to trust that all of the other parents have tried as hard as I have. 

I'm not taking this well! I'm not handling this the way I should. I'm terrified! Kylie is such a free spirt with a zest for life. She is strong willed and whimsical. She loves deeply and is tender hearted. She is a target for others to tear down. I have to have faith that I've raised her to love who she is and not change for the approval of others. I have to have faith that others will find her enthusiasm for life as a magical as I do. I have to have faith. 

Friday at 8 A.M. My world will change. Friday at 8 A.M. I'll have to let go of the control. Friday at 8 A.M. Kylie will start kindergarten.