Part one of the back history of my relationship with my father

As I sat at my mothers house telling my brother about a few experiences I had had with my father, he sat there doodling on his tablet. My words affected him. He send it to the next day and it broke my heart. If I can affect him by just barely scraping the surface, imagine what it's doing to me. 

 To say my father and I have a bad relationship would be an understatement. I would say it's toxic. When I was I child I longed for a father. I longed for an escape from the hell that was my life. We had moved away from my father when I was very young. My mom had remarried and her husband was in the military.. We moved from Sacramento to Oceanside Camp Pendelton. At this point I was still to naïve to realize who my father really was. I was only in the second grade so I was about 7 years old. I told my father that my mommy was getting married and that we were getting another daddy. Which I said in innocence but would later be thrown back in my face. 

 After we moved the phone calls came less and less. He would only call on holidays and promise cards and letters that never came. He would say, " it's in the mail"  then weeks of checking the the mailbox everyday. Then the phone calls stopped. He no longer called on holidays. We lived in Oceanside for a little over two years and I remember seeing him once. My Mothers husband was extremely abussive. The things that he had been subtly doing to me had worsened. I was no longer confused about what was going on. His sexual molestation was at its worst. My Mother was working nights at this point. She was completely oblivious to the nightmare I was living. 

After moving to the Nashville area where we were stationed I finally told a friend about what was going on. In the back of my head I just knew that if I wanted to escape that I could always go live with my father. I didn't tell him about what had happened because I didn't want to leave my mother and my brother. When things had got to its worse I called my father. I told him about what was going on and how I couldn't stay anymore. This was the hardest thing that I had ever done. I didn't want to leave my family but I couldn't take life anymore. I moved in with my father. What I thought was going to be my safe place didn't turn out that way. 

 I only lived with him for a few months. I'm only going to briefly tell you about life with him.  He was heavily drinking day in day out. I shared a wall with his bedroom and would hear a beer open in the middle of the night. On pay day he would go cash his check, go to a friend's house and come home with no money. He would stay up all night taking apart the electronics. I would walk in to his room with the vcr in pieces on the floor. He would burst out in a rage for no reason. He would make me call my mother so he could scream at her and make me listen. I had to call the police on him for physical assault. 

 While living with my father I went from a straight a student to barely passing. I gained over 50lbs. I thought, wrote, even dreamed about killing myself. I skipped school one day and planned on running away. I wondered to streets from 7 am till it was dark trying to find my grandmother house that I had been to when I was a child. 

Then I couldn't find it I decided to go back until another day. After that he cut me off from everyone I knew back home. From my best friend, from my boyfriend, and even from my mother. He told me that he was going to read the police report and the DCS report of all the grusum details of my sexual and physical abuse. He told me that he was going to put my mother in jail and that I would never see them again. Then he had his wife pack me a bag without me knowing and we went over to visit my uncle. While I was in the bathroom they left me there. I came of the bathroom only to be told that I was going to be staying there until further notice. This was the best two weeks. I will always appreciate the love my uncle showed me. 

 

 The rest of that was a blur of hate and anger. I choose to leave and return the life in Tennessee then to stay with him. The drugs, alcohol, and abuse was just too much. When I returned home I tried to right what I had wronged. We spoke on the phone a few times. I even agreed to visit him. But that only ended in disaster too. It seemed like every time we got together the police called. My father decided he was no longer going to really try to be a dad but now was my friend. This never works out well....

 

Kylie's 4th birthday party: project inside outside

 I asked Kylie, what kind of party do you want this year? She was quick to answer that she wanted to go camping with all her friends. A sleepover?! This is a big deal, this is not just a big deal for her but for me also. I didn't get to have sleepovers growing up and going to a sleepover was not ever yes or no either. Who is going to be there? Is her dad going to be there? Who long have you known them? I need to talk to her mother. When your mom doesn't trust anyone it makes your social life hard. Even tho I get it now It's hard for a child to understand. So, "mommy I want to go camping with my friends!" Was huge! If im going to do this I'm going to make it something we could all look back fondly on. This sleepover was going to be their first and the one to replace my bad memories. I had to make it a good memory for her and also a healing experience for me. I undoubtedly live through my girls. I'm not ashamed to say it, they are helping me heal and deal with all my issues even if they have no idea that they are.

 

I started project outside inside. It's way to hot outside, I don't do a lot of bugs, and too many sweet girls to watch and protect from outsiders, so we would be camping inside. Kylie told me who she wanted to attend, I excluded the boys because I'm protective. I don't think anything would happen but I cringe when I see any little boy kiss Kylie. She doesn't look like a baby to me anymore and my history makes it difficult to see. This is an issue that I need to deal with but as of right now I just try to avoid. Just to let everyone know, I don't want you to detur your child from showing my girls affection. I don't think that is a healthy way to deal with the issue. 

 We put our list together and I invited her "best friends" now I had to turn this house into a campsite.

I had to put up trees, a night sky, and make it feel real. I'm a dollar tree lover, spent about $10 on supplies and then hobby lobby for card stock which was another $10. I love to decorate but I hate spending money, so DIY is the way to go. I used 3 dark blue table cloths and some left over battery powered tea candles from my wedding to make the starry sky. I used craft paper and construction paper for the trees. I had to make them with fall colors due to the fact that only about 6 sheets of green come in a pack of construction paper. The cardstock was used to make all our woodland friends. My mom (Mamma) gave the girls their gifts early so we could set the mood. So now we had 3 trees, 5 woodland friends, a starry sky, a river with fish, and a campsite, the mood was set. 

 We invited six of her friends to come stay the night. Three of them were able to make it. I felt beyond honored to be trusted with these little girls. The fact that not only was I trusted with them but my husband also was an amazing feeling. This might not seem like a big deal to some but to me it was enormous. My little girls are my everything, they are my heart. So to be trusted with someones heart is an honor. This is something that we don't take lightly.  

 

 The ages ranged from 2 to 6. I can decorate for a party but can I entertain them? I was so nervous. Thankfully my bestest buddy Amanda stayed with me. She had a chance to have a night without her 4 year old and chose to help watch 6 kids and sleep on my love seat. My husband came home from a long day of work with pizza in hand. He also made a special stop to pick up some chicken for one of the girls who doesn't like pizza. We ate dinner then went outside to catch bubbles with our butterfly nets. After working up a sweat it was popsicle time. The bugs and heat outside was too much for us so before we were eaten alive we decided to go inside. After putting on pjs and brushing teeth it was "campfire" time. This was them sitting on pillows in a circle with flashlights in the dark under the starry sky. We gave all the girls a chance to tell a story, then we sang songs. Jason read a story to the girls, the book with no pictures. If you haven't read it before I highly recommend it. It was now time to calm down and get ready for bed. We set the tents up facing the tv, popped some popcorn, and put in a movie. The girl chose A Goofy Movie. When the movie ended it was lights out, time to go to sleep. We hushed all the giggles and eventually they all were out cold. Lila ended up in bed with her daddy, Kylie was snuggling on the couch with me. One ended up in Lila's bed and the other two took the two tents. 

 Jason woke up before everyone to sneak out and get some fresh doughnuts from the shop up the road. He also stopped and grabbed some coffee for Amanda and I. I really don't know what I did to deserve him but I'm not giving him up. I turned on some princess music and whispered in everyone's ears, "there's doughnuts!"  They devoured their breakfast treat and we got dressed and brushed teeth. Jason took all the girls on a field trip to the movies. They are doing free family movies in the morning on weekends at the local movie theater here. This gave me time to clean and prepare for all our friends and family to come over for lunch and celebrate our sweet Kylie.

 I baked owl cupcakes, made acorns, waffle s'mores, grape porcupines, hotdogs wrapped in crescent rolls and some other snacks. People came flooding in. We packed over 30 people in our little house. It was so sweet to watch all these people gather around to show our little girl love. My heart was overwhelmed by everyone. Kylie opened all her birthday presents with her dramatic flair, lots of "Oh! my! Goodness!" And, " this is amazing!" She even kissed some of her gifts. I tried to say hi and spend time with everyone who came but somehow I feel like I barely talked to anyone. This whole weekend went by so fast and seemed like a blur of food, friends, and little giggles. 

I ended the weekend with drinks outside with a few of mine and my husbands buddies. It was a great way to relax after such a busy weekend. I can't believe how blessed we are to have so many people in our lives that love and care for not only us by our girls. This is definitely a weekend that I will always remember. This is a memory that took place of another that wasn't worth remembering. I hope to slowly replace all the bad memories with great ones like these. I hope to always be able to give my girls a childhood that I always wanted. I hope to always be able to go above and beyond for them. I thank God everyday for what he has given me and who he has put in my life. Thank you to everyone who came to celebrate with us and who helped make this weekend so magical!