Timing is key, make sure you pay attention to the signs

One day I would love to be a foster parent. How cool would it be to make a difference in a child's life that really needs it? How cool would it be to used by God in such a big way? How cool would it be to not only reach children who need it, but to reach their families who need it just as much? How cool would it be to show these families what God's love is like? How cool would it be to be actively sharing the grace of God? 

I've thought about it for so long. This is real, it's really happening. This is our life now. It went from an idea to our reality. I thought about it forever and talked about as "one day". Well that "one day" is here. We are officially foster parents. 

After going through all the training, paperwork, and inspections, we had our first call. The company we work through is for not only foster care but adoption too. When the phone rang my heart dropped. This is it! Are we ready? Can we do this? What makes us think we are what these kids need? What do we have to offer? So much was running through my head. One answer came to my mind, God! I have my God. I have my faith. I have love.

We started this journey at the beginning of October. It's now February and we have our first call. This call was for an adoption only. My heart hurt. As much as I wanted to say yes, I could not. I know we are meant to foster for right now. Adopting isn't off the table but our journey has just begun. Adopting would slam the door shut and end what we just started. I had to say no. We had two more calls after that and they both didn't fit what we were capable of doing. It wasn't our time yet. 

Man does God have good timing. My mother had been stay with us for a month waiting for her house to be finished so she could move in. Only a few days after she moved out we got OUR call. This was meant for us. Not the age we initially had in mind or was willing to take. I had a overwhelming feeling, I couldn't say no. Somehow I just knew this was our time. 

Life is different now. This is just the beginning and it's going to be a great adventure. Loving these kids is my purpose. I'm so glad we took a step in faith and opened our home. Timing is key, make sure you pay attention to the signs.

But did you die?

But did you die? I'm going to ask it again. But did you die? 

Sometimes you have to ask yourself the hard and harsh questions. Don't be blinded by your pain and miss the blessing you are being given. We have all heard the sayings, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" and "a blessing in disguise" 

It was close to Easter and my stepfather was on the phone with his ex-wife talking about my step brother. I was only around 7 years old and I was so excited that I might get to see my step brother. So I sat by the door eagerly waiting to hear anything that meant he was coming to visit. All I over heard was their plans this year to be the Easter bunny. Me as a 7 year old was crushed. What do you mean there is no Easter bunny? Little did I know that I was about to learn a hard lesson on ease dropping and keeping my mouth shut.

He found out that I was listening to his conversation and was furious. After being screamed at I was sent to my room. I have no idea how long I waited in my room, it felt like hours. I remember walking back in forth terrified what was to come next. I remember having to use the bathroom but being terrified to leave my room. I knew if I didn't hold it I would be in even more trouble. I was scared I was going to pee myself, but there was no way I was going to go to the bathroom and no way I was leaving that room. I was is tears from the pain and from the fear. I didn't understand why it was in so much trouble. 

The door flew open and he stormed in. Yelling so loud and hard that his face was red turning purple. His words made no sense. He was so close to my face, his breath was so hot and I was being showered with spit. He shouted, "WHY?" When I didn't answer he picked up my bed with me sitting on it and slammed it down. He shouted one more time, "WHY?"  I remember being paralyzed with fear. Some how I mustered the strength to say, " I just miss him"  Rage came over him, it was so intense that my vision went white. That was not the answer he wanted and I was better off silent. He grabbed me by the throat with one hand and held me up in the air against the wall. I just hung there, my legs and feet searching gently for solid ground. Then he let go. I fell down the wall onto my bed. He walked to the door, turned around and calmly said, " stay in here. You better not come out."  Then shut the door. I calpsed on the floor and peed all over myself. I couldn't believe I held it as long as I did. I began to panic. I had to clean myself and the floor up. I remember thinking, what would he have done if I would have peed myself while he was in there? I remember being so thankful. 

As an adult now, looking back on this, I'm beyond grateful to God. The mercy I was shown and the wisdom I was given is incredible. God gave me, as a 7 year old, the knowledge and strength to get through that. I knew not to scream and cry. I knew not to say, " I'm telling mom" I knew to stay silent and let the storm pass. God gave me the self control to hold my bladder, a 7 year old made it through all of that and still held on. God never left my side. He stayed there with me and protected me, knowing one day he could use my experience to reach someone no one else could. Little did I know that I was being given such an amazing gift. 

God trusted me and help me through it all. He trusted that I could overcome and prosper. Not many people can say that they know God's plan for you. I know God has been planning something big for me since day one. It has been a hard road to get where I am now. So many other stories I could tell you. So many more times I was show love and mercy from God. I wouldn't change my past if I could. God gives us all free will. My stepfather choose to abuse that free will. My lord showed me mercy and unfailing love. He protected me and I'm alive today. Not sure where God's plan will take me, but he's got me this far. I'm going to keep trusting him and thanking him. 

Did you die? No! I was blessed

Parenting through guilt

Everyone always talked to me about the joys of parenthood. They told me about the love I would feel, about how amazing it was to be a parent. They talked about how your life will never be the same, forever changed. How it's the best thing that will ever happened to you. "Soak up every second, it goes by way too fast!" 
But dang, What about all the other emotions? I can't be the only that feels this way. I love my girls so much that I cry thinking about it, but I can't stand them at times. This is when the guilt comes into play. 

Shortly after finding out I was expecting my first child Kylie, the guilt kicked in. I was supposed to be enjoying every second of my pregnancy. I was supposed to be excited, I was growing a little miracle. I was supposed to love being pregnant. It's an incredible experience, I was told. Now, don't get me wrong, I loved being pregnant but I also hated being pregnant. I was tired, I was exhausted. I felt emotional. I was irritable all the time. On top of all that, I was getting fat. 

After I had her I got worse. I was sleep deprived, I was frustrated, I hated my new body, I no longer had personal space. How can I love this little girl so much, yet feel all these negative emotions? How can I look at her sweet little face and be so angry? "I fed you, I have burped you, I changed your diaper, and have been walking around for an hour now trying to calm you down! You had your bath and I brushed your hair and rub you down with lotion. I did everything I was supposed to do. What is wrong with you?"  

Bam…… guilt!!! She's a baby Liz! She doesn't know either and if she did she couldn't tell you. So why are you so angry with her? This is what you wanted. You prayed for this! All You ever wanted to be was a mother. Why aren't you enjoying every second of it? Why aren't you cherishing every moment like they told you to? 

The toddler stage, oh joy, the toddler stage. If you're a guilt ridden parent like me, the toddler stage eats you alive. So much frustration, so much joy, so much anger, so much just so much. This stage comes with a whole new feeling of guilt. I feel guilty that 90% of the time talking to my kids is telling them don't do this, or stop doing that. Don't touch this! No No, NO NO NO! Am I ruining my kids childhood? Why can I just let them be kids? Why do I let myself get so angry when they don't listen? Was it really that big of a deal that I really need to take that away from her?

Guilt! I feel guilty all the time. I felt guilty when I had to go back to work. I felt guilty when I wanted to go out with somebody without my kids. I felt guilty when they cried. I felt guilty when I said no. I felt guilty when I got angry at them. I felt guilty for any emotion that's not a happy emotion. 

This is not healthy! It's not healthy for me to try to bottle up everything, it's not healthy for me to be happy constantly. I am human, I do have hormones and other emotions. Things will make me upset. I shouldn't feel guilty for that. Once I realized that, parenthood got so much easier for me. I try to find the humor in every day annoyances. I try to find the humor in every little backtalk I get. It gets me through the day and I don't feel guilty every time I get upset. I know now that parenthood is filled with joy and guilt. But that's ok, and I'm working on that guilt part. I have to learn to take it easy on myself. There's no way I'm going to enjoy life feeling guilty all the time. I need to except that I'm not perfect. I need to stop parenting through guilt.